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Showing posts from 2020

You Have Not Because You Ask Not

  I know we pray to God and expect God to go to someone and tell them we are short on our light bill and need help paying it. I adapted that way of thinking after being taught; that is what was required. I learned I had to go to God when I needed something, not people. God touches people when we cry out to Him. Being new to the religion, I did this until loss taught me better. Have you ever asked for help and was told, “I will pray about it?” I have! But I never heard back.   My own family made me feel like a burden, although I didn’t ask for much. It was okay to take from me, but I needed a reality check when I hit hard times.   As long as I had something to offer, I was loved, which may be the root of why I gave so much in relationships. If you grow up with family predisposing you to this, more than likely, you will adopt this as a way to be accepted and loved. During some of the most challenging times in my life, I was alone. My tears became my meat as I waited until my daughter w

I Abandon Myself For Others

  Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash   Have you found that the same things we say we lacked as children we also do to ourselves? We abandon, reject, neglect, and sabotage ourselves in more ways than I can count. Deprived as children, and we continue this in our adulthood. Judge yourself and do the inner work. If we took the time to study ourselves, we would become aware of dysfunctional habits that do not serve who were are or where we are going. I felt abandoned as a child and in my intimate relationships. Whenever a relationship did not work, rejection hurt more than anything because I relived how it felt when I first experienced it. The pain grew more intense over time, which resulted in me isolating myself to near death. I was in a state I did not want to be observed, so I hid. I did not wish the child-like state I was in to be seen by anyone, especially the one who hurt me.   Although I felt this way as a child, I grew to think that if I tried more, worked harder, made sure ever

The Isolated Trap

My contribution to the anthology, In Spite of It All, was about my battle with isolating myself during some of the most challenging times in my life.  I was hurting so bad vocalizing the pain would have sent me into a state of shock.  It wasn’t just the current pain but the pains that erected from my past in combination. All of it felt familiar; the faces were slightly different. I had not taken steps to heal, so it felt like I was a little girl crying for someone to save me with every encounter. Isolating is a form of self-sabotage, and it kept me circling for years. Every time I shut myself off, it was harder to break free. I stayed away long enough to feel a little better; decluttering my space, and journaling helped me exit the pit, but I did not stay out of it. These modalities help to a degree.  Depending on the severity of your pain, you should seek counseling too. A combination of all three will get you out and help you maintain your freedom. It is not to say you will not go th

The Perfect Time

  Photo by Kevin Ku on Unsplash Let's admit it , waiting for the perfect time has created cycles of procrastination in our lives. Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing something. This continuous delaying tactic is a form of self-sabotage that I will touch on in another article. How much have you delayed because the time was not right? Someone shared with me that they are confident in their ability to succeed, but they must have everything lined up before taking a step. I asked, what if within five years you are still saying that? Silence struck the room. It was entertaining watching the person wiggle out of that one. I have been here, I was that person, but I healed, grew up, and made the first step. I was the person who needed enough money before I made a decision, but amid the worse financial season of my life, I built a business. There was no support when I started. I believed, and everything I needed made its way to me. If nothing else encourages you, be encoura

Who Gave Seed To This Sower?

 Photo by Mustaches Cactus on Unsplash I started a business for my daughter about three years ago. She is very creative, a great cook, and a baker. As her business took off, I recall her missing events from time to time because she failed to follow my organizational plans or had customers who could not pick up on time. She'd missed gatherings, and so did I. Let's not excuse that as her mother assisting her in building my social life was strained. Several people within our family had negative things to say concerning her running a business at her age. One of the negative sayings was, "let her be a child." I often wondered what that meant, so I asked only not to get a response that made sense. These people felt that my daughter was missing out on life because she was always working. I read of children younger than she was at the time with several businesses. It was crazy to hear people who worked and expected the oldest child to watch all the siblings say this. So, if

You Are Not A Sacrifice!

  Photo by Daniel Canetti on Unsplash Have you ever wondered why you stayed somewhere longer than you should have? I was thinking about this a couple of months ago. I have stayed in relationships far longer than I should have, and I kept asking myself why. Out of the blue, I heard the answer, and it made so much sense. Most of us are conditioned to believe that to love and be "loyal" means sacrificing yourself for others' shortcomings.   If you have been in church any length of time, you are familiar with Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. If you are in the Christian community, you are aware of Jesus being the savior of a sin-sick world. This construct has taught us that this is love, right? We believe that we are to express love sacrificially, so we bear the weight of another person's behaviors towards us as a measurement of our love and loyalty. On an unconscious level, many of us are not aware that we are acting like Jesus. You are NOT Jesus!!! Here we are i

Come Upstairs

  Photo by  Meriç Dağlı  on  Unsplash You’ve been in the basement far too long. The stairs were always present, but you refused to climb, or can you see it through the clutter? There was never a lock on the door, but you would not turn the knob. You stayed in the dark because you wanted a party in the basement with you, but no one RSVPed. How many parties must you throw before you realize no one is coming. Several guests opened the door, bid you to come, but you remained. Do you like it down there, or can you not hear the answer when it calls?  Are you immobile? Is that why you are stuck and become so accustomed to your state of being? Has dysfunction become your new norm? The clutter is overwhelming. I think you know the staircase is there but have a hard time reaching it. Time to shift something around so that you can see your way upstairs. Did you know you can create a new world from chaos? You do not have to remain in the basement, but you have to will yourself to come out. Day

Is Time The Healer?

  Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash According to Webster, time is the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues: duration. Look at that definition and ask your self when did it heal you. If it took you ten years to recover what aids did you utilize during this time? If you broke a limb, would you seek medical treatment, or would you just let it be and wait for time to correct the break? I am not sure where we learned this saying from, but I am here to help you understand that time alone does not heal wounds. People are walking around mentally, physically, and spiritually broken, waiting for time. Pain is seeping through the fractures in everything they put their hands to, yet they await time.   I am not exempt; I fell into this trap! Yes, I was one who stopped dating or having anything to do with a man for years because I thought that would help me heal the areas in me that kept me in vicious cycles with them. I did not se

We Behave According To Our Beliefs

    Photo by Roman Romashov on Unsplash I have an example I will use.  Plug it into your particular thought process to determine if it is healthy for you or not. The way we think explains the emotions and responses we have to things, and those emotions grant a greater understanding of why we behave the way we do.  The Bible says: “in all thy getting, get understanding.” As a Belief Therapist, I have observed and understood why we do the things we do. Some people have good intentions, but along the way, they have picked up toxic traits that keep them bound, unable to live the life God has for them entirely. God does not want anyone in different relationships every six months. Yes, I put an s on relationships, but that is what it has come to for some. We’ve made a relationship a method of coping with what’s going on internally. We’ve opted for new victims rather than a therapist.   I can’t believe my ears!  I don’t trust women, he said. Why? I don’t trust women because of what I

Why You Shouldn't Invest in Negative Self-Talk

    Negative self-talk is damaging!   Have you wondered why you haven't accomplished those goals you set two years ago?  Many create vision boards over and over, year after year, without achieving their goals. The vision seems to fade away after a few months, and we drown in routine. Opportunities have come and gone because we fail to prepare, and some who are on paper are not mentally. I use to be this person. There was a time in my life I was not accomplishing at all. I talked myself out of so much. I have no support, I do not have the finances, I'm not good enough, or I'm a failure. The way I spoke to myself kept me stagnant. The way I talked to myself took root and made accomplishing goals impossible. Whatever I watered grew. I remember others telling me what they saw in me, but I could never receive it because I did not see it. Continually putting myself down led me down a dark, lonely road. A shift in my mindset was needed, inner healing was necessary, replacing t

Identifying When To Invest In A Life Coach

Some life coaches have experienced trauma, healed and overcame it, and are now helping others. They have become who they need for others. Other times, they have mastered an area of their lives and are now helping others who exhibit gifts in that same area. Your need for a coach will depend on where you lack knowledge or resources to accomplish your goals.   Coaching and consultants are taking the industry by storm. Anything you need, there is someone to help. It is a matter of finding them and making sure they are a good fit. By the end of this article, if you feel you need a coach but not in my area, please email me to help you find who you need.  Life Coaching does for the mind what a personal trainer does for the body. We help with assessing a situation to provide strategies for moving forward. It is a gradual process that allows individuals to dig beneath their thoughts and beliefs to help them understand internal obstacles to their success and wellbeing. Coaches help people ide