Unaltered Voices

  I drifted off to a land that was free of all pain . It saddened me to come back. -LaToya Nicole   I was alone in the dark, staring at the prescription bottle. I loved the way its contents drifted me to a place where everything felt good. Even the emotional pain I never thought a pill could fix was gone. They were narcotics prescribed for an injury to my back, but they were helping more than my back. Those pills helped the state of my emotionally abusive romantic relationship, the verbal assaults from family while they constantly put me down when I was not doing what they wanted. As much as I never wanted to conform, it seemed less painful, but was it? Keeping peace caused me mental and emotional catastrophes. It may have felt good not to be everyone's punching bag because I was submitting, but it did not feel good going against what I knew was right. My self-sabotaging ways began early in age. They manipulated me on many levels, shaping how I interacted with people until I

  Everyone is not a safe place. -LaToya Nicole Two places I have been in that have been the loneliest and darkest places of my life were when I was in the pits of depression and where I was not heard. A third place that made the other two even more painful was where I did not feel safe. I have written about this and publicly spoke about it, but I have never felt safe. My safety needs were not met as a child. There were moments as a child I hid in my closet, mentally escaping and playing with my toys pretending I was on another planet. As I grew older, writing and music became my way of escaping it all. Sometimes in adulthood, I would want to go into the closet to hide, but what would my daughter have thought? I was indirectly teaching her how to cope with life's adversities, and I failed for some time. I tried to hide my pain and not display how frustrated I was with life, but she felt something because every moment I felt down, she always wanted to give me her pacifier and a big

  If you read my book, Alone In the Dark , you were let in on the origin of me sinking into a deep state of sadness and how it played out in my life. So I understand when circumstances arise, feeling the emotion of sorrow so strongly, it feels like it is easier to give up than to face the cause of it. I gave up, time and time again. Depression became my residence because I overstayed my welcome. Even when something broke the door down to free me, Stockholm set in, so I always went back. Every time was more challenging than the last. I hated it there, but I didn’t think I was strong enough to stay away. Feeling sad had become a standard way of feeling. I may have felt other emotions, but depression was common.   During these times, I did not have a safe place. I learned in the darkest hours that family and friends could not be what they never had. When we think about it, we do not know how to express emotions in healthy ways and when we encounter someone that does; we say minimizing

  Faulty thinking is why you are not progressing!     There I said it. I did not say it to make you feel bad. I was taught that the truth sets us free, so hopefully, you will sit with the statement, do further research, and get the help you need. You have a purpose to fulfill. Do not allow your toxic thinking to keep you from the finish line. I was once that person. There would be this sense of “I can do it,” only for it to be followed by: it will never work. I am not supported; I failed at this before, and so on.   Distorted thinking is hell. My way of thinking (mindset) was described to the letter when I read a description of hell. There was no peace, only constant torment. The torment was so bad that I wanted to end it frequently. If you have ever heard of a self-fulling prophecy, the way we think is just that. Most believe it is what we say, but our thoughts are a frequency we put out in the world, too. We can not run from our thoughts. Although we assume they are secrets, they hav