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Dear Mama, Wide Awake Part IV

 I allowed a man to reduce me to feeling like I was the most unattractive, disgusting, unworthy woman in the world. And the way I felt inside showed up in everything I put my hands on. I needed to detox more than ever. The very men I have been escaping since childhood, I ended up with a version of them in every relationship. The ones whose mother broke him so well he would never be fit for a woman. She emotionally abandoned him, leaving him for us to deal with his detachments. She ruined him and continues to by not holding him accountable. When will enough be enough? They are so holy, yet they assist with destroying every woman their son brings home. If she can control you, you will be well-liked, but the moment you do not stand for her toxic, patriarchal, manipulative bullshit, you are the enemy. She is the queen narcissist, and she taught him to be just like her. She love-bombed him from the beginning tightening the grip constantly. He fears her, so in those moments where he can see
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Identity Theft, Wide Awake Part III

  They have to mimic you because there is nothing there.     I know, Sis, no one believes you. The narcissist has painted a picture that they are an incredible person—I’ve been there, done that! What amazed me was how those who have known me for years believe the words of a narcissist they had only known for a short period. What that said to me was they were never for me or knew me. I questioned my sanity, listening to how well my friends and family spoke of the narcissist. That charm and hero complex hooked them; they knew how to save the day, go out of their way, and pretend enough to convince everyone of one thing while they mentally and emotionally abuse you. Imagine them helping everyone until they are short on cash, then taking it out on you. I completely understand how you feel. Sadly, I have experienced this treatment within my relationships with men, ministry, and friends. Yes, you read that right. Those in the church hide behind “touch not my anointed.”Most of them

Family Anatomy, Wide Awake Part II

  So here I am in this lifeless city. How long will I be here this time? I do not want to get comfortable, but I have already been here two days too many. As I walked through looking for shelter, every street reminded me of my childhood. While I grew up devalued if I made the simplest mistake, male family members did the bare minimum and were exalted. If they failed, it was the women in the family's fault. I learned men were not to be held accountable early.  Wounds such as these were so deep I fought not to succumb to them. Even when I stood up for myself, I felt defeated. Men could do no wrong, but my breathing was an issue if I breathed too deeply. On many levels, I understood that growing up in a black household was one of the hardest things to do.  Explaining something to a man meant I castrated him with my mouth. Not being a doormat meant I was not submissive, and walking away told me I was weak. A woman can’t win. When did this start? Was it the misogyny we are governed by t

Wide Awake

  Not all of us have been here, but I am here to speak on behalf of those that have. Some feel it but may not understand what is going on, so I hope this helps you take another route before you are too far gone. Master manipulator is not a good enough word to describe the lengths to fool you. They appear to be an angel of light, but by the time you find out they are cesspools for dark energy, you are in the sunken place. Congratulations to those of you who found them out early and decided to run for your life. You may be dating one, raised by them, or one may be your pastor. Learn to identify the signs and move accordingly. The awareness I gained from my experience opened me up like a book. I went from thinking I was utterly insane to being alone in the dark, eating tears wanting to drown in the bathtub. I learned to learn from my experiences. In my learning, I’m healing.    I do not know if all great lessons accompany great pain, but this one took a toll on me mentally, emotionall

You Are Worth The Investment

  Do you think you are worth bringing the things you dream about into reality? What is it that you want? Be clear about it and make sure it has nothing to do with anyone else. Your desires are your thing, so do not consume yourself with how anyone else will think or feel. That is not your responsibility. I remember when I wanted a particular life so bad, I could taste it, and it had nothing to do with anyone else. It was what I saw when I went to sleep at night. It was what I imagined when I closed my eyes to gather myself after a long day of working to build someone else’s dream; it was what I talked about to friends and family, even what I wrote about in my journal. For a while, I believed in the dream, just not that I could attain it. I had to heal and evolve before I understood that I was worth the investment. I am not talking about someone investing in me; I mean investing in my future and where I desire to go. My investing started with counseling and coaching, and I have not stop

The Downswing of the Pendulum

  Allow me space and grace to be authentic. There are times when I am on the upswing; everything is going well. I am accomplishing, feeling great about life, opportunities are looking for me, and my bag is secure. Then there is the downswing. OMG, the downswing. It feels like everything is upside down. Business is slow, children are different, energy is low, and I need a break. Yes, I got six jobs, but I get tired. I have found that when the pendulum is on the downswing, I need to rest and recalibrate. That is not a time to try to force things to happen. That is a time to center me and indulge in self-care. I can set goals, create visions, and make them plain, but those are the times to cease work to come back stronger mentally. If we prepare for the downswing during the upswing, desperation will not take over, and we can enter into rest.    I've gone through a lot, and I've learned to abase and abound. I know how good it feels to be up and how depressing it can feel when I'

Relax & Recharge

  Have you ever been so tired, but you pushed yourself rather than relaxing? Did you find that your work was mediocre during this time? Usually, when fueled, you give your best, but lately, your body has been signaling the need to unplug, but you ignored all signs. I know you are tired of hearing about self-care practices, but we have to recharge as part of being our best selves wearing the many hats we do. Your cell phone battery dies when it is constantly in use without recharging. So why do we give a device a break and charge it but not our bodies? You are stressing your organs out, so do this for yourself and understand the value in some R&R.    Relaxing and Recharging do not always require going out of town, but if you can, do that too. I love the beach. The water is so relaxing; I can hear clearly and release any blocks that prevent my creativity from flowing. Finding that happy place for yourself is essential. Maybe a bookstore, a quick drive on the freeway listening to your