Wide Awake VI Breaking Free
I have been where she was. It was the last one that woke me up. The last one slowed me down enough to pay attention, so I started taking notes, reading up on what was happening, and talking to my therapist. Combining all three helped me trace what was happening to my childhood. I firmly believe that we should use our past as a reference so that we can adjust our attempts in the future. Before that relationship, I was not doing that. I started over the same. I thought changing a few external things would make a difference, but I later learned the hard way: I needed to go within.
Not only did the relationship reveal parts of myself that needed work, but as I stated before, it took me back to where I was introduced to the men I chose. In every authoritative figure I grew up around, the essence of the type of men I chose was present. They coddled the boys in my family while they berated the girls; I chose the coddled boys in partners whose mothers had emotionally incestuous relationships with them to gain control and enable them to destroy other women. Of course, I did not know this until I was on the brink of emotional death, but it was all so familiar when I felt like I was breathing my last breath.
I could barely get out of bed for months upon realizing what was happening in my life. People always tell women to “choose better,” but how would one know better if their parents groomed them in childhood to accept it? Until we wake up, we think that how our parents treated us is the way. I advocate for healing. As we heal, our taste for things changes. I was on a healing journey but had not yet addressed the depth of my parental wounds before choosing the one that brought about such an awakening. For too long, I thought hurt and betrayal were part of the package and that I had to stay to show my strength.
My awakening brought about some highs and lows. There were signs I overrode, but again, the inconsistency was what I was used to. I was healing only to be broken in a way that brought about freedom for me. All those years, I did not know the name of what was replaying in my life, but there was the one guy, worse of them all taught me significantly. If you are currently in a relationship that seems to have aged you as mine did me, create your exit strategy immediately. I know the look of life being sucked out of a person, and no amount of makeup helps. The trauma of it all has your hormones out of sorts resulting in skin issues. You can’t lose weight because it is all trapped, and you cannot seem to stay focused. Detach: do not go to any more family functions with them, no more dates either (come up with an excuse to not go), stop responding, block all numbers, including their family, and block them on all social media platforms, delete text threads and pictures, get rid of any gifts from them, change your locks, and your routine. They studied you like a book, intentionally move differently. If you live alone, get cameras and try staying with a friend or family member off and on. Yes, it all seems extreme, but the work has to be done. All of this is part of your exit strategy.
If you need help to create your exit strategy, get to the origin, or you need professional support as you grieve the relationship, schedule your call with me by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org