If you made it this far, thank you! I know how people get reading about the same topic for too long. We have to keep going for a better high. I have a lot more to share, but it is time to shift. I may come back later to put this all in a book, though. As I stated before, revisiting this was not something I wanted to do, but I feel so much better.
Did anything I say wake you up too? If so, I imagine you are planning your escape too. Do so quietly, do not let anyone in on your plans. You have inner work to do once you get out of prison, but knowing you are free feels terrific. Learn as much as you can to avoid being a repeat offender like I was. There are so many out there and ones you least expect. They have gotten better at fooling people. Remember, they too can appear as an angel of light and deceive the very elect.
Let’s look at some signs and symptoms to make an accurate diagnosis; once you make the diagnosis prescribe them your absence for good.
It does not matter if you ask the right questions; they will lie, but the inaccuracies can be heard by listening to the responses.
Move fast in the relationship.
They lay it on thick early, sending you beautiful songs and memes expressing how deeply they care for you. You are on cloud nine, so it never dawned on you that the person doesn’t know you. They are attentive and there to meet your every need. If you were having a bad day, the drives to another city to get away are so thoughtful. After about three months, this high would be the highest height from which you've ever fallen. Watch out for those that do this in the first few months.
I will never forget the first time someone guilt-tripped me when I established a boundary. Hearing the things my boyfriend said, I recalled my relatives saying the same things when I was younger. Only they called it concern. I felt overwhelmed immediately, knowing I learned to accept this behavior so long ago, I broke into tears.
The households we grow up in train us for the relationships we encounter. We learn to be accepting of what is not acceptable. I was bought expensive gifts within my relationships to take my mind off what they knew I was aware they’d done.
Suppose I had a dream detailing what they did the night before I got a nice date and a surprise to deflect. I didn’t know what I was talking about on one end, but the gifts confirmed I did. I was in deep by the time I realized it.
This symptom is as scary as all of them. Your partner will casually bring up a so-called ex; that’s not the ex. Usually, they are involved with the person and speak of them as though it was in the past. Hear me well; they do not speak of actual exes or friends. Everyone they bring up is someone they are still connected to sexually. They are nasty on so many levels. Get yourself tested frequently.
They undermine your confidence because they lack it. Tactics like this one lower your self-esteem, getting you fixated on them and more susceptible to their control. Narcissistic parents who do not like the person their child is involved with will control the narrative about a situation to further their agenda. This tactic is to spin the information, making themselves look like the victim when they are the aggressor. So yes, the narcissistic mother is often involved in the triangulation. Besides, that's the other side chick.
When the abuser speaks to the future to connect, they have no intention of doing anything they are saying. That’s how the relationship is prolonged—making false promises to keep you in expectation. Start asking for a target date; you will find that it will be years out. Please do yourself a favor and move on. Before you know it, you have been with them for three years and still no wedding or whatever. I got a lot promised to me, even babies, until I learned the person could not produce. I allowed him to lie until I had enough and called him out. Read this carefully; they will not deliver on any promise.
Men like this operate in dark feminine energy. Masculine energy carries out the plan until fruition. As I stated on my podcast, men like this are mentally weak and physically strong, kind of how enslavers broke the enslaved. Yes, you see where this comes from, yet Black women are destroying their children and the children of others, using master's tactics. Sad!
This one is easy to explain; everything is always someone else's fault. Pay attention whenever a past relationship is mentioned; the end was never their fault. Selfish people have degrees in making excuses and blaming others for their behavior. IT IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE. You can witness it, ask them about it, and they will lie.
One guy texted my phone after I told him I was in bed for the night. “Hey, Pretty Lady.” He never greeted me like this, and I was in bed, so I had caught him texting another woman, only it came to my phone. Well, guess what? He took no accountability and deflected by saying, "if you don’t think you are pretty, that is your problem.” Yes, he was gaslighting me, which we will discuss later.
I shared in Part IV how their mothers destroyed them: emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and sexually. You can tell by the controlling hold on them and how he acts when she is around. I did not know what I saw initially, but I later discovered I was dreaming about the abuse of an ex. I could not see who was creeping in his bed as a child, but I saw an adult woman. This level of pain is not for us to help them heal. Healing has never been an option; this pain has morphed into the dark power they love. There is no hope for the majority of them. It does not matter what you do, how amazing you are; you can not help them. LEAVE!
They groom you just like any other abuser, wearing you down until you are no longer reactive and just comply. Remember I told you how they impressed you in the beginning? It is a form of control to hook you. Once you are bound, it is time to meet their every need. Everything they do comes with an evil plan. It is never about you, sweety. The vampire has to feed, and you are the supply.
When their needs are unmet, they will gaslight you. They want all the attention on them; if you have a life, they will make you feel like shit because that is how they think. I put my goals on hold during that period because he made me feel like I was consumed with work and never had time for him. When I learned better, I stopped giving them too much of my time.
This tactic is their way to control you, as stated above. They will make you question reality. Because I am a dreamer and could tell them conversations they had, I always experienced gaslighting. Even when the truth came out, I was then told, “I don’t remember you saying anything about that.” They do things, then deny it ever happens, or say things and act like they did not say it. If a man is always calling you crazy when you bring something up: you are telling the truth, and he is gaslighting you.
They will impress you initially with dates, gifts, surprises, family functions, etc. Give it a few months, and you will see all of this come to a halt. The reason will be work, got to take my mom somewhere, my cousin had a wreck, my sister needed help moving, etc., but they are lying. Some of them have a hero complex and will over-extend themselves like this, but it is not as frequent as they will lay it on you. The hero complex is because their abusers don’t accept them, but they want their validation just as much as they manipulate you to get it.
It is a new supply or the supply they had the entire time, so it is the beginning of your shelving phase before they discard you entirely. Give it a few months to unfold. Some may last longer if they think you are on to them. The ride will go from madly in love to detesting you in a matter of months. Here is a secret, it is never you. They feel this way about themselves; boring and disgusting. There is an intense self-hate residing in these people. You will never be enough for them, but you are enough. BELIEVE THAT!
I went through something traumatic when I was with a narcissist. I made it to my apartment, crying profusely. He was there, listening to me explain, but there was a blank stare that dried up my tears. Then there was the one-second hug, and he pushed me off him. I had no idea how to respond to that. I needed emotional support at that moment, but I realized he lacked the ability.
Remember, the mother deprived him emotionally, so connecting is impossible for this person. They can not connect with you on any level, and they use sex to hook and control you. Imagine lowering your standards and ending up with this, a person who does not satisfy you anyway. I remember questioning how are these people damaging women with these bite-sized packages? INSANE!
I gave a great example previously. Of course, narcissists lack remorse for hurting people the way they do and leaving them to pick up pieces after they have broken you and convinced everyone that you were the crazy one. No person with compassion does that.
This symptom shocked me, but I should have known. If they got one, they got them all. They will try to sabotage everything you do. They hate that you have goals and aspirations, and they don’t. They are jealous of their children's success too. Everything you are they want but can never get because Mama wounded them too deep to aspire to be anything. Pay attention to the attitude and energy shift when you are accomplishing. They will deter you with some low vibrational bull shit.
So there you have it. The signs and symptoms I have personally experienced. If you have identified with either of these and are in the position to leave, do so now! Do not call to explain; just go no contact. Change the number, delete the tread, block their and the family's social media accounts, hire a therapist and heal.
If you have to plan your escape because you may be living together, do so. Stop engaging in sex, stop responding, work, focus on healing, then leave. It is possible to end a relationship while you are in it. I have done it.
I pray that you get out and recover. No one should have to go through what I went through. So before it sends you over the ledge, do what you must to save yourself. You are taking on this person's karmic debt; it is time to allow them to pay.
If this series has helped you and you would like to continue the conversation, join my private group, Soul Conversations.
You can find me on Instagram as well, so let's connect there. My prayers are with you, and I pray you make it out safely and never return.