So here I am in this lifeless city. How long will I be here this time? I do not want to get comfortable, but I have already been here two days too many. As I walked through looking for shelter, every street reminded me of my childhood. While I grew up devalued if I made the simplest mistake, male family members did the bare minimum and were exalted. If they failed, it was the women in the family's fault. I learned men were not to be held accountable early. Wounds such as these were so deep I fought not to succumb to them. Even when I stood up for myself, I felt defeated. Men could do no wrong, but my breathing was an issue if I breathed too deeply. On many levels, I understood that growing up in a black household was one of the hardest things to do.
Explaining something to a man meant I castrated him with my mouth. Not being a doormat meant I was not submissive, and walking away told me I was weak. A woman can’t win. When did this start? Was it the misogyny we are governed by that convinced us that we are the sole blame with a bite of an apple? Patriarchy taught us that women are the origin of all the world's problems. The elders failed us, leading us not to have any self-worth while keeping the man built up. I fell for this, and it took me falling to near destruction too many times to snap out of it.
I allowed it!
The reason is too deep to explore, but I have to. Pulling a Columbus won’t uproot this and bring healing to my children.
Toiling with why I was where I was, I wanted to turn around and run, but running is why I kept circling. There is something to face; prayerfully, I can meet it and get out before something terrible happens. Alone in the dark, pen and paper in hand, I recount how many times I saw and heard the warnings to get out. Had I trusted my intuition, I would not have been there, unfortunately, but fortunately for me, this would be another woman's problem, and I would be sound asleep. But here I am, at the end of my rope, trying to write myself to some sense of freedom.
Journal Entry #4494
I had dreams about him with other women, even a man. It seemed like his childhood unfolded like a movie as I slept. OMG, what have I entered? So much darkness here, I can hardly see my way out.
I caught him staring at me, wondering what he was thinking? I was afraid he would hurt me, so I slept with one eye open. I knew he lied every time. It was my signal I once ignored, but I am learning to trust. A phone faced down is a red flag. Later, I discovered frequent trips to the bathroom were for conversations with other women. Social media has become a hunting ground, and we have to be careful. LOL, I knew something was up when all of his previous relationships were their fault. How did I miss that? Toya, you gave this man the playbook. Yep, I did! I told him my pain points. I told him what to do by telling him what the last one did not do. He became what I thought I needed, and he did such a great job of it. He had to have been trained by the best. I met his mother, so yes, the best. Both of them overcompensated with others to win them over, making it hard to believe either of them was the people they are.
There was no emotional attachment to me, but there was to food.
She replaced physiological nurturing with food, and I am up next to pay for it. This dude is damaged goods. It is not always us! They have been this way; we were just taught to overlook it because a man's ego needed protection. Women have never been saved. We have to protect ourselves! They hurt, they get a pass, we break, we have to suck that ish up because there is no time to cry. I hate it here. I hate my choices in men. I don’t ever want to deal with them again. I can not explain how many times I have figured him out, but he would gaslight me and convince me that I was crazy. Waking up is scary as hell. I am recounting how many times I’ve allowed someone to do this, and I am disgusted. Do I pick myself up and keep moving or lay here and cry myself to drowning. I have a baby; I have to break free for her. What would I have learned if I did not heal this for her?
Narcissism is the enemy. There I said it. As overused as you may think, this word is this abuse is not to be taken lightly. Narcissists will suck the soul from your body: them and all of their cohorts. If you ever walked away, you won, and whatever you do, don’t spin the block; they do not change. There is no healing for these people. The damage is unrepairable. They know how to be who you desire long enough to trap you. How do they know how to manipulate you with demonstrations of attention and affection when being deprived of it is what turned them into the monsters they are? Mindblowing, to say the least, I never wanted off this planet more than when I realized this is what I dated repeatedly. They will destroy you if you let them: man or woman. Destructive in their ways, it is all about them. Imagine hearing someone say a name in their sleep, and when you tell them about it, they tell you, you are crazy. I found a receipt with her name as the purchaser of some shoes, and he still denied her. At that point, I thought a padded room was my future residence. They can not tell the truth, and everyone lies for them. Yes, they run in packs. There is no fighting against this because you will tire out quickly. The moment you can run, do so fast and never look back. Block them on all of your social media, change your number, block family and get on with your life. It is indeed a matter of life and death.
Thank you for reading Part II of Wide Awake. If you would like to share, please do so. I appreciate the support. Please subscribe and stay tuned for Part III.
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