Skip to main content

Why Affirming Your Children is Important

At the age of thirty-one, I finally heard those words, “I’m proud of you.” It did not sound as expected by that time, so I sat there wondering what to say back. I waited to hear someone say they were proud of me for decades; eventually, I lost myself in the wait. I listened to what I wasn’t but never what I was.  I shared my heart’s desire to hear those words; I also acted out to get attention and redirection. Why wasn’t I being encouraged to dream? Everything I did wrong was magnified, but when I did well, I experienced minimization.  It seemed as though doing good was not rewarding, so I sunk.  It crushed me not to hear what other people were telling their children; it tore me apart to have my efforts dismissed. My drawings, writings, exceptional cleaning, and doing things a child should not have to do to hear someone say, I am proud of you.

This type of deprivation takes an emotional toll on a person. It wounds the child, and the child never grows up emotionally. At the age of thirty-one, I may have been eight years old emotionally. Trauma repeatedly arrested my development. Once I started healing, I had to plead my case concerning several offenses. Healing is continual, so continually, I am awaiting my time in court to get free.

  Internally, I kicked and screamed for love, appreciation, encouragement, and an end to cycles of disappointment. At times, I pulled it together enough to achieve a goal here and there but still nothing. What was taking place internally only attracted more people that would do the same to me. I found myself in cycles of being what everyone needed to gain their support, only to have them in some way attempt to destroy me. Hearing other family members’ children told the things I desperately longed for sent me spiraling. Everything seems to go up in flames.  Those moments were triggers for me, and I knew I needed to heal, but at the time, I did not know how or if that was a possibility. That feeling of not being good enough created a path that took me years to sever. I was not too fond of that road; it cost me a lot. I felt like I was repeatedly dying as I finagled through life needing support and never receiving it.  

The wounds I experienced made every decision for me. My life was a ball of disappointment. I did not think anything better was my portion. The suffering went on silently. I withdrew to the point of suicidal thoughts plaguing me. I became so much to so many, but no one saw that I was dying inside. I hid pain under whatever I had to at the time. These things started in my childhood and followed me until I sought help. Affirming our children is crucial because it helps children develop positive foundations on which to grow.  I had no foundation, so with every wind, I was tossed.  I did not know who I was, nor did I have any direction, so I repeatedly took the wrong course. What we say to our children makes a huge difference. Do not affirm them negatively by saying they will never amount to anything, then get amnesia when they struggle in life, leaving you no bragging rights.  Parents, we lay the foundation. We set the tone. As our children grow up, they will encounter situations that may make them doubt who they are, but the moment they hear your voice in the background encouraging them to go forth, it breaks the cycle of self-sabotage. Children who lacked encouragement may not be able to bring themselves out of such situations as quickly.  Let’s collectively start equipping our children to be warriors. It is time to unlearn to learn, apply, and reapply. We got this!



Thank you for reading my story. If it touched you, please share it with others on your platforms. I can now help other emotionally deprived adults break the cycle of stagnation in their lives through cognitive-behavioral techniques. Schedule a clarity call with me today to pull you out and set you on course.

Visit my website

Tune in weekly to my podcast

Tea & Talk with Toya




  1. This is heartbreaking yet profound and Triumph!

    1. I am so glad I am in a place now where I can share my story and not hide because of what I have experienced. I understand now that once we heal, we can package what we have experienced and it becomes our message. I hurts to think about any child growing up and never affirmed. Generational healing has to take place and I am just the one willing to get it done.

  2. Oh wow, this really touched my heart! You never know what someone is going through, you continue to help and build others up and yet carried this heavy burden. I'm grateful to God that you are healing and now able to heal others!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Relax & Recharge

  Have you ever been so tired, but you pushed yourself rather than relaxing? Did you find that your work was mediocre during this time? Usually, when fueled, you give your best, but lately, your body has been signaling the need to unplug, but you ignored all signs. I know you are tired of hearing about self-care practices, but we have to recharge as part of being our best selves wearing the many hats we do. Your cell phone battery dies when it is constantly in use without recharging. So why do we give a device a break and charge it but not our bodies? You are stressing your organs out, so do this for yourself and understand the value in some R&R.    Relaxing and Recharging do not always require going out of town, but if you can, do that too. I love the beach. The water is so relaxing; I can hear clearly and release any blocks that prevent my creativity from flowing. Finding that happy place for yourself is essential. Maybe a bookstore, a quick drive on the freeway listening to your

Family Anatomy, Wide Awake Part II

  So here I am in this lifeless city. How long will I be here this time? I do not want to get comfortable, but I have already been here two days too many. As I walked through looking for shelter, every street reminded me of my childhood. While I grew up devalued if I made the simplest mistake, male family members did the bare minimum and were exalted. If they failed, it was the women in the family's fault. I learned men were not to be held accountable early.  Wounds such as these were so deep I fought not to succumb to them. Even when I stood up for myself, I felt defeated. Men could do no wrong, but my breathing was an issue if I breathed too deeply. On many levels, I understood that growing up in a black household was one of the hardest things to do.  Explaining something to a man meant I castrated him with my mouth. Not being a doormat meant I was not submissive, and walking away told me I was weak. A woman can’t win. When did this start? Was it the misogyny we are governed by t

Identifying When To Invest In A Life Coach

Some life coaches have experienced trauma, healed and overcame it, and are now helping others. They have become who they need for others. Other times, they have mastered an area of their lives and are now helping others who exhibit gifts in that same area. Your need for a coach will depend on where you lack the knowledge or resources to accomplish your goals.   Coaching and consultants are taking the industry by storm. Anything you need, there is someone to help. It is a matter of finding them and making sure they are a good fit. By the end of this article, if you feel you need a coach but not in my area, please email me to help you find who you need.  Life Coaching does for the mind what a personal trainer does for the body. We help with assessing a situation to provide strategies for moving forward. It is a gradual process that allows individuals to dig beneath their thoughts and beliefs to help them understand internal obstacles to their success and wellbeing. Coaches help people