Lost and Losing Again

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Why do I keep getting lost?

Every time I claw my way back to the path,
Something pulls me sideways,
Detours me into darkness,
And my hands fumble for hope I can’t seem to hold.

The last time,
I lost it so far back
It took me years to trace my footsteps.
I found pieces of myself in the lost and found,
Hidden between the faded pages of old messages,
Where I met my ex
And thought maybe they were the way forward.
But they weren’t.
They were just another maze
That swallowed me whole.

Another time,
I lost hope
And stumbled on it again in a new opportunity
A fresh door, a small light.
But every time I sink,
It takes forever to climb back out.
Searching for keys that were right in front of me
Doesn’t compare to losing something
I sometimes handed away willingly.

Growing up,
Hope slipped from my hands so many times
That I had to rebuild it from scratch.
You’d think after that,
I’d have learned to hold it tight.
But here I am again,
Empty-handed,
Looking around for a ride to go pick it up.

My feet won’t carry me.
My fuel is gone.
And I wonder
Is help available when no cameras are around?
When no one is watching
To clap for the rescue?

I’ve carried so many others
Back to where they dropped their hope.
My arms are bruised
From pouring into empty cups
That weren’t mine to fill.
I’ve helped them understand why they left their light behind,
I’ve walked them back to it.
But where is my pour
When my own hands are dry?

Has my hope been lost in people too?
Have I, the one who figured it all out for everyone else,
Lost the ability
To figure it out for me?

When I lose things, it touches everything
Like keys that make me late for life.
I sit in a spinning room,
Suppressions rising like a tide,
Messes spilling into every corner of my mind,
And still,
No closer to finding what I lost.

I drive to clear my thoughts,
Scream into the open air,
And the weight lifts just a little
But the emptiness doesn’t leave.
I sleep through days,
Dreamless,
And wake still no closer.

And all I can ask is this:
Will anyone help me find it this time?
Will someone hold the map?
When my hands can’t stop shaking?
Or am I destined to always be
Lost and losing again?

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