Can You Hold What You’ve Never Been Given

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I don’t hold space for many people.
In fact, outside of my daughter and one person I consider a true friend, I rarely do.

Not because I don’t want to.
But because I’ve never had anyone truly hold space for me.

I’ve never had someone sit with me in my silence.
Or listen without judgment, without trying to fix me.
No one has ever offered me that sacred kind of presence, the kind where you feel emotionally safe, not analyzed or dismissed.

When I’ve been in pain, people have either shown up to make sure I was still suffering,
Or to see how I managed to escape the trap they tried to keep me in.

So I learned to process alone.
To cry in silence.
To break, heal, and rebuild without an audience.

And because of that, I now understand why I’ve struggled to hold space for others.
You can’t hold what you’ve never been given.
You can’t offer someone an emotional safe space if you’ve never felt that kind of safety yourself.

I had a recent conversation with someone who was hurting, and I realized I couldn’t be fully present for her.
Not because I didn’t care, but because there was no real connection.
And that made me sit with an even deeper truth:
Most of the connections I thought were genuine… weren’t.
Not with friends.
Not with past partners.
Not even with my parents.

So, no, I haven’t held space for others the way I could.
But am I capable?
Yes.
However, that capability must come from healing, not obligation.

Holding space is not about being the strong one.
It’s not about solving.
It’s about being a calm, grounded presence for someone else to just be.
To let them unravel without rushing to wrap them up again.

To offer that kind of care, I must first create it for myself.


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