If These Walls Could Talk
Oh boy, where do I begin? Sadness is in the walls; trauma flows as a tub left running, and pain circulates like the blades on a fan. The walls have collected the secrets. Walls there watching, listening, and they have a story to tell.
-LaToya Nicole, Alone in the Dark
Do the walls of your childhood home have a story to tell? Would they share things you dare not say because what happened in that house stays in that house? Yes, I’m sure you have heard that phrase. A statement like that is one of many that has embedded into the walls of your mind. It has taken root, making it hard for you to break free. You have prayed for 40 days and 40 nights, but the sting won't ease. I bet those walls know what happened. They know what you are holding on to; they could articulate it better than you.
Have you ever considered the burdens the walls bear holding all of those secrets? I can’t imagine the joy they finally get to share because someone spoke up and got away. They rejoice and mark you off the list, knowing that you would be okay at the point of using your voice unaltered. What would they share with me if I were to sit down for tea with the walls? Would I better understand your pattern of decisions, explain the bouts of depression, reveal the root of your stagnancy, or why you are so overprotective of your children? How has what happened shaped you? You have held on to so much pain they are about to burst. Walls in your home, walls of your mind, the walls in your heart, what are they holding?
When I arrived at your childhood home, I looked
around. While it seemed normal on the outside with great curb appeal but upon
entering, everything went dark. I saw beyond the smiles and the Sunday dinners.
The cookouts are a burden as some do not want to be there, including you. Momma
is in the kitchen, mustering up the strength to pretend everything is
okay. Did you know your cousin is also your sister? Let me get back on track.
Your mom has to be a strong black woman. The strength that she pretends to
have is for her children. She does not realize how the fake exterior is damaging
them. The broken pieces are cutting her up inside. Your grandmother taught her
how to fake and pretend to have it all together when she wants to die. Her mom
sang negro spirituals and waited for the Lord to save her. There is no fighting
for yourself in this family, so prepare to be the outcast if you decide to fight. That is not common. Your actions will challenge their cognitive
dissonance. They won’t like you, but no one does anyway.
I take a seat because I am all ears. I am ready to hear what the walls have to say. With lovely hot tea in my hand and the sound of a window unit in my ears, I am ready to see through your eyes.
Here is what the walls reveal:
- All the women in your house are narcissistic.
- They abused you while everyone wished your mother would stop, but no one stopped her.
- Men are only visiting at night.
- Your sibling favored more than you, and when they messed up, it was your fault.
- Your brother and his friends sniff your underwear.
- Your uncle was arrested for robbing someone.
- Knives are being held to throats.
- Satanic rituals being performed.
- The bathroom smelled of suicide attempts.
- Rape. The victim was blamed for it happening.
- Rage when there is no money.
- Drug abuse.
- Puddles of tears from one end of the home to the other. The walls cried out for you.
- Mothers are jealous of their daughters.
- No fathers. The men that were present were not with their families, and neither was your father.
- Death threats.
- Grandma is the ringleader in the toxic cycles. She knew it all, just like the walls but did nothing to change it. She made sure her toxicity affected all her children by passing it on to them and making them feel disloyal if they were not like her.
- You tried to flee emotionally and mentally abusive relationships, but your parents took his side.
- Children play house, sexually abusing one another while the parents gamble and party in the front room.
- Children being told they have no reason to be sad.
- Teenagers are made to contribute to the house or get put out.
- Everyone taking their frustrations out on you.
- Mom and Dad preach well on Sunday, but at home are making you feel you do nothing right.
- Your deacon daddy drinking his life away. When he gets enough in him, the lock on your bedroom door rings loud.
- Mom, turning her back as you slept between her and your dad. She knew what time it was.
- At 11, you think you must go to the bathroom when something huge falls out. When it cries, you realize it is a baby.
- Giving up on your dreams because you must stay home and mother your siblings.
- Coming home from school after being bullied for the style your mother intentionally puts in your hair.
- No one
their time with you, so you felt unworthy.
- Whenever your mother sees you happy, she must ruin it.
- Your dad chose other women over you.
- Your mom’s
best friend abusing your brother.
Did any of these resonate with you? Do you have more to add? How did what you identified with effect the walls of your mind? Have you normalized it because that’s all you know? You do not have to be Alone in the Dark. Seek the help of a professional to help you navigate the emotional clutter you have collected over the years; you owe it to yourself to heal. I am rooting for you!
If you have a story to share, please reach out to me. I can help you find resources for therapy and get your voice heard.
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