Like me, you have had to figure out a lot alone. I can not say when this started, but I have held my feelings in my hands for most of my life as if I were holding a baby, trying to figure out if I feed or change them. It has been nothing I wanted to do, but I had no choice. The way I felt about things did not matter. Having my feelings dismissed when I was feeling down was suffocating. Sadly, I normalized it and accepted it in relationships. It was a cycle that was hard to break. It did not help that I lost my voice, so I sank into a shell even when I wanted to respond or question things. My emotional state was all out of sorts. I gave up repeatedly because of the clutter that I did not know was clutter until much later. The sting of the disappointment faded. I assumed I was okay. I went on with life, did not talk about it anymore, and that was that. Journaling has been my thing since I was a girl, so I released some of how I felt, but not enough to keep it from erecting and sending me spiraling the moment disappointment triggered me. The movie script went on and on. There was a new cast, but the lines did not change for decades. One low that saddened me to not want to live took root and nearly destroyed my life forever. I could not seem to get it right. I wanted better; however, it seemed beyond my reach.
Depression robbed me! The inability to identify this enemy kept me in an isolated trap. The D-word was not one I heard growing up. Seeing a therapist was not a solution they acquainted me with. Pregnant with my daughter, I was so sad about life. I carried my daughter happily on one end, then cried myself to sleep every night. It was not what I imagined, but I made it work. While hospitalized for retaining fluid around my kidney, I became addicted to the medication they gave me for the intense pain. When the hospital staff noticed it, they sent a counselor to speak with me, who suggested I take something for depression. She asked me questions about home life, but I could not open my mouth to go into details. I lay there crying. The person inside was screaming for help. She was trying to get out. Once the counselor left the room, she stopped calling out. She was fighting to be free. The physicians prescribed me Lexapro. Having them start me on that medication bothered me, so I stopped asking for pain medication when I was not in pain. The hospital stay seemed like forever, although it was for a couple of weeks. They hardly visited me. I lay in that bed, crying alone in the dark for days. I did not know what I was doing to my baby or myself. Sadly, my daughter would experience a battle with depression too.
I predisposed my child to depression, just as I had been. My healing journey began amid the code unlocking in my daughter. Without the negativity from outsiders, we worked through it and continue to. I understand more now than ever the importance of healing and why our children deserve the inner work we do. I did not want what I had for my daughter, but I was going about it wrong. Changing locations, isolating myself, and keeping her from those who hurt me was not the answer. Those who hurt me left fragments of themselves in me, so they were there no matter where I went. I had to process the pain and free myself from the emotional clutter to prevent casting my daughter in the same movie I was in. Unlearning became a big part of healing for me. I thought many constructs were correct, but the end thereof was destruction. Trips, shoes, clothes, refusing to date did not change what was going on internally with me or my daughter. Time healed nothing because I did nothing. My help did not fall from the sky into my lap; I had to do the work.
I encourage everyone that reads this blog and my upcoming release, Alone In the Dark, to consider the road traveled and do the soul work. Whatever we refuse to face, we will see in our children. It may not be the same way, but history repeats itself in some form. Contact your insurance carrier about in-network therapy. While waiting for your session, start journaling. Writing your hurt is a way to unpack it. Remember, you owe it to yourself to break the generational curses. Your family does not have to suffer in the darkness any longer. Rewrite the story. It does not have to be the same as it has been for generations. The power is in your hands.
Thanks for reading! I hope you are looking forward to my new release, Alone In The Dark, My Battle with Depression. Follow my author profile on Amazon LNicoleWrites to stay in the know of all book releases. If you are interested in writing your story, follow me on Facebook for tips and tools.
Do you need a journal to start your process? I have created a 30 Day guided journal to assist you. Click here to purchase yours from Amazon. I would appreciate it if you left a review.